Keeping a Spark Alive
How do people sustain a long-term relationship and passionate sex life? How does the spark keep going for the committed 'long haul'? This is a topic of discussion in so many of my circles and dinner conversations with friends. They see my husband and I and the 21 years we have behind us and wonder, how is that even possible in today's culture, where rapid change and disposable, throw-away items are the norm?
As I sit and eat a beautiful dish my love created for me, I'm contemplating how did this happen? I know we're committed yes. That's not in question. But what happens when the sexual spark dwindles, as it inevitably does once passion has lulled into security?
My reflection today is about passion itself. We may feel it at the onset of a new relationship, when the attraction is hot and the sex even hotter. Once responsibilities, maybe children, and life hardships come to pass, where does the passion go? I can honestly say that it DOES dwindle. There are periods of lack-lustre and dullness that are part of any long-term loving coupling. The difference I feel between the couples who survive these dips and those who persevere is the willingness to go back to the drawing board. Yup. Forget everything you think you knew. Start over. Daily.
We are constantly always changing and growing. The relationships you're in currently are NOT what they were when they were birthed because people are not who they once were. The challenge is to constantly rediscovered who YOU are in each relationship and be open to seeing the other for who they are today and not who they once were.
It requires a fresh set of eyes to see through
and a heart that is open to change.
Today I look across the table at the love of my life, and I sit in wonder for a moment, at the remarkable human he's become. He's no the longer shy and introverted man I married 21 years ago. He's confident and sure of his worth and loving his body temple. There's something so very sexy about a man who honours his worth AND his body. He's in constant support of the divine feminine and all her expressions, even if these expressions are shifting and changing in me DAILY. He watches; he observes; he listens; he grows with each new season. And I do the same for the most part. Ok yes, sometimes I get lazy. But my intent is to keep growing with each new challenge we face.
TIPS FOR A HEALTHY, PASSIONATE LOVE LIFE
- Look at your shadows! Be willing to see old patterns that are clouding your current reality and have the courage to change these. This takes humility. Period.
- See yourself anew each day. What can you rediscover and love about yourself today? What is new here? What didn't you know about yourself before this day?
- Be willing to forget all you think you knew about your partner and see them for the person they are today. Sometimes this might even look like asking them: What do you think about this now? What are your currents beliefs about this? Teach me something new about you that I didn't know before. With the curiosity of a child, rediscover your mate.
- Be willing to explore new things! In order to grow sexually, it requires a bit of risk taking. Find your comfortable edge and take a risk just beyond it. Excitement and passion live in these risky edges. Consensual risk taking is SO HOT.
- Explore new ways of showing up in your sex life. If you always like things to be planned and perfect, try the unplanned, messy sexual encounter.
- Set some intimate goals for your sex life. Where do you want to go together? How do you want to grow as sexual partners?
We've developed a great mini quiz to stir your thoughts around the different sexual brains and how we all show up differently when it comes to sex. There's no right or wrong way to do it. Just different ways. Once we understand that we approach sex in uniques ways, it makes it easier to find the junction where our differences meet...
Most of all ENJOY THE EXPLORATION!
Check out the quiz here: