Ok so I'm just going to be frank here - we've been taught from a young age in our society that sex is something secretive, dirty, hidden, sometimes pleasurable, sometimes painful. Go ahead and do it but please don't talk about it or let anyone know you're doing it. Period.
So where does that leave us? Many of us want to experience fulfilling sexual encounters or relationships sparkling with sexual ecstasy, and NO ONE HAS TAUGHT US HOW TO DO THAT...
WHAT??? Why is it that learning how to please yourself or your partner isn't taught early on? Like maybe before we develop all the dark patterns the are so harmful to ourselves and to others? I'm contemplating this notion and doing my best to understand the implications of this kind of repression within our society - from frigidity, to incompetence, to insecurities, to fears, to shadows, to addictions and yes even to sexual violence.
I've been a member of a sexuality focus group now for over a year with other facilitators of ShadowWork TM and it has opened the door WIDE to a vast world in which I was really only experiencing the very tip of (no pun intended). I decided years ago, being in a long-term, committed, monogamous relationship with my life partner that I would never settle for status quo. I want bright, radiant self-expression in all areas of my life - especially sex. Anything less than this receives my full attention until it glows.
I want to feel ravished and cherished and adored and admired - AND I want this to continue growing and expanding as we grow and expand in our relationship. I'm not interested in fulfilling any one of these desires with anyone else. That, to me just seems like so much work. I want it with my partner and I'm willing to work F%*$ing hard to manifest it.
So how do we get from what we've been taught in our society (and likely our family of origin too) about sex and our bodies being somehow shameful for the way they look, smell, perform, etc, to this place of basking in our own inner glorious, juicy glow, awake and aware and tantalized by life itself? That seems like the million dollar question...
What we've learned by studying this topic for the last year is that we must begin inside - this, to me means a necessary journey of looking at the darkest beliefs, fantasies, memories, desires we have in relation to our sexuality. Each of these is actually a DOORWAY to core wounds that, when explored (either solo or with a partner) opens a portal to freedom and unbridled self-expression.
Our dark sexual thoughts, fantasies and wants (as well as our fears and repressions) are KEYS designed specifically for each of us that lead to immense healing, when given an opportunity to be explored.
Most of us are just too darn scared to even look in those dark places.
Take your darkest fantasy for example. You may be thinking that it's too dark to even talk about. Ask yourself this: "What is it in this fantasy that you really want to experience?" Maybe your fantasy involves being taken against your will and ravished by a rugged stranger, or being seduced by a room full of women who have their way with you.
What exactly do you want to feel or experience from this image/fantasy?
What kind of experience would this give you that you're not currently experiencing in your life? What's so appealing about this scenario? Look beneath the surface here. Look at the desired emotions and what's missing in your life. I know it may hurt to think about it but come with me here down this rabbit hole. There's an end game in sight and it's a good one.
What you might be wanting to feel is total surrender - this might look like not having to be in charge of anything or anyone or anything. Or maybe what you really want from this situation is a sense of freedom, void of all the responsibilities that follow you around daily.
Let these insights be your guide. Seek wisdom and support and the kind of loving relationships that begin to feed and fulfill these deeper truths about yourself. If what you really want is to learn to surrender, ask for support from loving friends or a par